Jotted Notes and Thoughts 6/1/24
To wander the shadows of the past and capture a fulfillment of lost time.
I am drifting to the past to search, to recognize the difference – what I felt, and how I recognize it now.
How I felt in difference places, recapturing the moment, remembering conversations – what was said, how I reacted, what I believed at the time.
How their actions affected me.
Maybe I should wait to revise all this, but I need to feed the animal, to raise my spirit, to fulfill an empty time.
I remember how I felt when I was at a stoplight, when I walked down that road, and all the different places and situations I encountered. The grass, the roads, the trees.
Felt the moment, saw the surroundings, and felt the moment.
I remember the fears of yesterday to capture the fetishes of today.
To remember so much fear as to hallucinate.
I recognize brutality’s ignorance, but still am affected by its arrogance.
The secrets of time passing by belong far away. The desperate need to talk, to explain a reality that feels lost in a dream.
The fear of losing yourself.
Do I confess or commit suicide? The environment is killing me. I need to escape, can a dream reveal a freedom, an escape?
Do I need an institution or is freedom safe?
Credibility is the call to sanity.
Gathering thoughts, reasoning with time, trying to let a low pass. I had a spirit before I felt.
Recapture how you felt at that place in time.
Layers of loneliness, the confusion of a dream within reality.
It is scary to admit how far in the dark you have actually gone.
I remember the reaction to the feeling, or was I being insecure? I saw it and still recognize the insecurity, but also recognize the reality.
Wisdom can recognize the mystery and define it, and let the gray area remain as a plausible reality.
After forgiving, you still remember the pain. You don’t feel it the same, but the memory recaptures the emotion.